Sunday, October 4, 2009

the next chapter

i'm not good at good-byes. i'm better at denial. perfect example is how, on my last get together with my awesome friends from heathrow, i got so drunk i don't remember much. i remember going on a bike ride with jason laureano, my best friend in our neighborhood. we rode our bikes to a bar and evidently didn't even leave at the same time. boy did i get in trouble, as i should have. it was irresponsible and totally out of character for me. but the truth is, i'm glad it happened that way because...i'm just not good at good-byes. like i said.

it's so convenient that things are super hectic when you have to move. you can always make excuses for not pausing and getting sad that you may never see certain people again. "hey man, wanna have lunch? we may never see each other again." "dude, i'd love to...but i've got a gazillion things to do right now." it's not a lie when you can't answer the phone when some friend calls to talk because you're in the middle of contacting the bank for a cashier's check for your new landlords. truth is, i like it that way. saying good-bye is NEVER the way it should be. it's awkward. you end up talking about the sports team in the new city you're moving to or what the climate is like or what the schools are like. when really, the whole time, you just want to say..."hey. i'm really going to miss you."

anyway, it's over now. i'm out here in seattle. right now i'm alone and the demons can catch up. the denial can be lifted. i can reflect on what florida will mean to me.

funny thing...ends up i'm not going to miss florida all that much. truth is, the 6 years i lived and worked there really can only be described as me working there. i didn't have a LIFE. i was surrounded by great people and my family grew...but i wasn't a part of it. i was working. always working. working because i didn't have a choice. i think that's what bugs me the most. i look back now and i did everything i did because there was never a choice. never. i thought the dreamhive was going to afford me the choice one day...but, unfortunately, nothing came of it that was expected.

when it's all said and done, the only thing i'm really going to miss is the good friends i met. at least we have Facebook :)

i'm also going to miss that spark of hope i had all the way up until the end. the hope that the dreamhive could make a difference and be a place where the super talented folks we'd worked with in orlando would have a choice.

Sucker Punch is going to be awesome. the folks there are great. i can tell already. seattle is awesome. i can finally get back in touch with my outdoor nature and share that with my kids. i'm stoked that mathias will be working with me at Sucker Punch and i'm hopeful that tom will end up in the seattle area as well...but for the first time ever in my life, i'm afraid of being too hopeful.

i think that's why i'm bitter as i look back. something that i have always had throughout my life is a strong sense of HOPE. however, i'd be lying if i said in the past month...even though i've been thoroughly blessed with this new sense of hope has been slightly lost.

oh well. good-bye denial. good-bye florida. everything kinda sucked. i'm now hopeful about my LIFE and ready for the next chapter. i hope :)

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